38

This is for you Kayli, the obligatory belly shot. Here I am at 38 weeks beside our new abode. (please ignore the garbage cans behind me, and the branch going through my head). I'm now technically 39.5 weeks, so we wait, and walk, and play frisbee, and basketball, and DDR, and anything else we can think of... 

*I wrote most of this post last week but never really felt like finishing it, so basically, I don't blame you if you don't finish reading it...

Well folks, we've made it this far. The cutest baby ever could be arriving anytime now. Anytime. Part of me can't wait to hold this little guy in my arms, and part of me wants to hold onto these last few moments of pregnancy. Crazy? Maybe, but what if this is my last chance to be expecting, ever? These are fears I push to the back of my mind. This little boy is our miracle we've prayed for, for a long long time. I'm going to love and enjoy every second of him, and try not to worry about the future.

Last Christmas Eve I went in for a blood test to see if we were indeed expecting.
"Well, what did the home pregnancy test say," the nurse asked.
"I'm not really sure."
"How can you NOT know?"
"I think I may have imagined a second line."
"You hallucinated a positive test??" she laughed.
"It's quite possible."
She called me a few hours later to reassure me that I hadn't hallucinated. We were really expecting! It was the best Christmas present ever!!
As excited as we were, we were terrified even more. We had been here before just to have our hopes dashed with a miscarriage. And so we waited. Neither of us wanted to tell anyone or talk to anyone about it. After years of bad news over and over, it's hard to expect anything different. Carlos told me "I don't think I could handle another loss." "I know. Me either." And so everyday we waited for the bad news to come. Our families and friends started sending us presents, and wanted to talk all about baby things, but we couldn't handle it. Neither of us had the strength to give them the bad news if/when it came--so we didn't want to get their hopes up. They told us to have more faith, but faith doesn't mean you get what you want--it means continuing on no matter what happens, and trusting that the Lord knows better than we do.

At my first OB/GYN appt. I sat in the room trembling while I waited for the doctor. I felt like an imposter. OB's had never been very helpful in the past with our situation (they really don't know anything about infertility), and I didn't know if I could trust them now. They pulled out the doppler and I heard our baby's heartbeat for the first time. I managed to hold back my tears until I was back in the car. We made it to another milestone. We made it through another day.

Of all the emotions I expected to have during pregnancy (euphoria, relief, gratitude, excitement) denial, fear, and guilt were not high up on the list. Why were we so blessed now? Would it last? What about all our friends who were/are still waiting? There's no way this could work out--something will surely go wrong soon.    As time went on we were still uncomfortable talking about it, and both of us were too nervous to buy anything or prepare for the baby. I had a friend tell me once that in her culture, they never buy anything until after the baby is born because they are superstitious. I must have taken this to heart--but don't worry, we're ready for the baby now (we think!). We are anxious, excited, and yes, still in denial. (I'm hoping that changes once I'm holding him in my arms).

I'm still hoping for an August baby, but time is quickly running out. We'll let you know when he makes his debut. I'm off for another brisk walk.