Two of "those" people

It's time to face it. Carlos and I are "those" people, the obnoxious people who sit behind you in church and play with your children during the meetings. I am bad, but Carlos is positively shameless. There is no limit to what he will do to get your baby to laugh or smile. We're pretty good about not touching though--so don't be too angry with us. Frequently our conversations when we sit down at church are "Did you see [so and so's] baby?" "That hat/bow-tie/dress is to die for!" "And those curls/bald head/spiky hair--love it!" In Indiana we were especially bad with so many families with small kids. I think that's part of why Sacrament Meeting was always so hard for me--I felt like we stuck out. Fortunately, that's one place where people won't think your a total weirdo for silently crying in public. I was pretty good about hiding it, but even if people did see--they probably thought I was having a really spiritual experience or something. I wish I was that good, but no, just really really sad. Primary was my saving grace. I know a lot of people who suffer with infertility don't like to be around children or babies, but I love it. I need it. The moment I entered the primary room, all that self pity and self consciousness disappeared and I felt content and rejuvenated. 


Not so long ago I used to worry what people thought about us. There seemed to be an undetermined amount of time that it was acceptable to be a married couple without children. I never knew what that time frame was, but I was always worried we had passed it. I remember the first time it came up. Carlos and I had been married maybe 6 months (less than half of which we were together) and someone from another ward came up and asked if it wasn't about time we started thinking about children. I didn't know this person from Adam, so I was taken aback. As the months rolled on and turned into years I began to dread the question "so, how long have you been married?" A seemingly harmless question that I interpreted as "why don't you have children yet?" Oversensitive? Probably. People hardly ever brought up the topic to me, but a few regularly asked Carlos if we were expecting (if that doesn't make you feel weight conscious, I don't know what would). I felt like people were trying to categorize me, and if I wasn't a mom, clearly I must be a career obsessed feminist. ;) I don't like categories--really, none of us fits in any one category, we're individuals with many different attributes. I definitely didn't fit in either category, but that doesn't stop people from making assumptions. I've always felt comfortable talking about "mom stuff," and I would frequently forget that I was different than most women until someone brought it up. "Sorry Lyse, we're talking about mom things." Or the classic "you'll understand when you're a parent." Even at work people would tell me "oh, I bet you're next Alyse" after every baby was born. Comments like these would sting, but I knew that these people weren't trying to be mean to me. Honestly, most of the time people are sensitive and kind. It's hard not to notice though when people are having child after child while you continue to wait and pray. 


In a way, Portugal was a nice break for me. No one was expecting in our ward. We only had two kids in nursery. And no one asked me why we didn't have children or when we would. No one. In fact, I doubt most of them even thought about it. I felt a freedom not having to be self conscious about it and that helped me deal with my own grief and prepare for our new ward--which is similar to Indiana where we had a lot of young married students with a lot of babies. Even Carlos noticed in our new ward, "Wow, there are a lot of babies! Everyone has a baby!" A few weeks ago a cute family sat beside us. The 5-yr old sat on his mother's lap with his arms around her. He whispered "I love you mom." "I love you, too," she said. He replied, "I love you most!" I smiled to myself, grateful that I could witness that tender moment. I'm not crying in Sacrament Meeting each week anymore. I am still playing with the kids around me though. Last Sunday when I sat down in a pew I looked around and noticed at least two of my little 3 yr. old sunbeams' faces light up when they saw me across the large chapel. Their raised eyebrows, wide smiles, and enthusiastic waves to get my attention made my day. Later as we practiced our upcoming primary program, one of the little boys next to me laid his head on my arm and said "I love you." Without hesitation I responded "I love you, too!"


Whether or not Carlos and I will have our own kids, and I have faith that we will, but even if we don't, kids will still be my life, and we will still be happy. With almost 40 nieces and nephews that I feel every right to spoil (or discipline when necessary), a sweet primary class, and a profession where I get to be around kids all day, I feel very blessed. So please forgive us for being two of "those people," we just can't help it. And please, please, no matter how many or how few children people have or you think they should have--don't judge them. Even if they say things you don't agree with. When I'm asked "don't you LIKE children?" It's soooooooo tempting to say "no, gross!" ;) You never know their experience, even if you think you do.

Confessions of an Alyse

1. Inevitably, my favorite songs are break-up songs.

2. I eat dessert first. And last.

3. I'm scared of having a hunchback when I'm older--but apparently not scared enough to work on my posture.

4. The ONLY time I would run is if my life is in peril, or if I'm late for a flight.

5. I'd love to have plants and I dream of having a garden one day, but I have the opposite of a green thumb.

6. I'm not a fan of sharks, crocodiles, bears, snakes, and basically any other wild animal.

7. I will not watch scary movies/shows. I will have nightmares for weeks! (If not years). And yes, "Murder She Wrote" counts as a scary show.

8. Carlos and I have struggled with infertility for a few (or several?) years now. It's not something we ever really spoke to people about. No one in my family dealt with it (if you look up prolific or fertile in the dictionary, my family's picture will be there), and I didn't really know anyone well who had gone through it. It's taken me years, but I can actually talk about it now without dissolving into tears, well--usually. I know now that it's fairly common, much more than you'd think. And as much as I wish we didn't have to go through this, right now I'm okay with it. Having studied the grieving process before, its totally different to actually experience it. I hope that I've learned something and grown from our experience. I know that it has changed me/us. I know many people have been praying for us for a long time. Thank you. We really do appreciate your prayers and feel strengthened because of them. For those who are suffering with this, you're not alone, and you have a willing listener here. For everyone else, please give your darling babies a hug and a kiss for me, and remember how incredibly blessed you are.